Jokes

  • Last night I dreamed I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.


  • Why is a couch like a turkey? Because they're both stuffed!


  • Why don't skeletons go to scary movies? They don't have the guts!


  • What kind of horse runs all night? A night mare!


  • Why did the orange stop rolling? It ran out of juice.


  • What did the mayonnaise say to the mustard? Close the door! I'm dressing!


  • Why did the blonde jump over the glass? To see what was on the other side.


  • I hate these one week campouts. You comb your hair, you brush your teeth, you put on a clean set of clothes, and at the end of the week you have to do it all over again!


  • A piece of rope goes into a restaurant. It goes up to the front to be seated, but the host shouts "Get out of here! We don't serve pieces of rope!" Dejected, the piece of rope goes outside. But then it gets an idea. First, it ties itself into an overhand knot. Then it frays both ends of itself. The piece of rope goes back inside the restaurant. The host looks at it and shouts "Aren't you that piece of rope I just threw out?" The rope answers "Nope, I'm a frayed knot"


  • Two Scouts found large cave. They stood on the edge of it, wondering how deep it was. One Scout threw a small rock down, but they couldn't hear it hit the bottom. They got a bigger rock and threw it down, but still couldn't hear it hit the bottom! They looked around and got the biggest rock they could carry, but it still fell into the bottomless pit without a sound. Finally they looked around and found a railroad tie in a nearby pasture. It went sailing into the darknessbelow, without ever hitting the bottom! Just then they turned around and saw a goat charging across the pasture. He was almost flying when he got to the edge of the pit. The Scouts stared in horror as the goat dove straight into the bottomless cave! A minute later a farmer appeared with a shotgun pointed at the Scouts and said, "Hey! Did you guys take my goat?" The Scouts shook their heads, "No sir, we've just been throwing things into this hole." The farmer lowered his gun and said, "That goat! I kept him tied to a railroad tie and he still got away!"


  • Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After they had settled in for the night, Holmes nudged Watson awake and said "Watson, look up and tell me what you see". Watson said "I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars". Holmes then said, "And what does that tell you?" Watson replied, "Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view. That potentially trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos, it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe. Also, being a theological believer, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet anothersuggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant. And last, meteorologically the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow." Watson continued, "Why? What does it tell you Mr. Holmes?" Sherlock Holmes screamed out, "It's elementary my dear Watson! Someone stole our tent!"


  • A Scoutmaster stopped in to see his Psychiatrist. "Doc you've got to help me. I keep having the same dream over and over again, and I can't get rid of it." "Tell me about your dream," the psychiatrist inquired. The Scoutmaster responded, "The first night I dreamt about wigwams. The next night I dreamt about teepees. Then wigwams. Then teepees, then...." "Wait I minute," the psychiatrist interrupted. "I think I know what your problem is. You're just two tents."


  • The world's smartest man, the Pope, and a Boy Scout were on a transcontinental flight. Suddenly, the pilot burst into the cabin. The plane is going to crash. Grab a parachute and jump. With that he took one of the three parachutes and jumped out of the plane. The world's smartest man said to the Pope and the Boy Scout. "I'm on the verge of developing a cure for cancer. I have a plan for world peace. I'm too important to die." He reached into the closet, slipped his arms into the straps and jumped. The Pope said to the Boy Scout, "I've lived a long life my son. You take the final parachute." "Don't worry your holiness," the Boy Scout said. "There's are still two parachutes left. When the worlds smartest man jumped, he took my knapsack."


  • A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture. Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground. But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating. When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, and start eating again. A bit later, one cow looks up just in time to see a tornado tearing through the pasture fence. The tornado knocks the cows every which way, but the bulls just rock back and forth as they are buffeted. When the cows get back on their feet and pick the straw out of their hide, they all walk over to the bulls. One cow says, "Why do we cows get knocked over by wind but you bulls keep standing?" The two bulls laugh and reply, "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."


  • A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful Princess." The boy picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog said, "Hey, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I'll love you forever." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back in his pocket. The frog yelled, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll clean your house, cook for you, and love you forever." The boy took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back. Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll cook and clean for you and love you forever. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look, I'm a Cub Scout. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."


  • A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts. Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"


  • Last week, I was watching a show on TV about invading space aliens - it was pretty creepy. Then, the doorbell rang so I went to answer it. Standing there was a 6 foot tall mosquito! He grabbed me by the neck, threw me across the room, and then left. The next night, I was playing a video game and the doorbell rang. I answered it and that same six-foot mosquito was there. He punched me in the stomache and then thumped me on the head and left. The third night, the doorbell rang. I slowly opened the door and that mosquito pushed the door open, hit me in both eyes, kicked me in the shin, and body slammed me to the ground then left. The next day, I went to see my doctor and explained everything that had happened. I asked him what I should do. The doctor replied, "Not much you can do. There's just a nasty bug going around."


  • In New York, a guy walks into a bank. He tells the loan officer that he needs to borrow $5000 because he is going to Europe for a two week trip. The loan officer says the bank will need collateral for the loan so the guy hands him the keys and the title papers to his brand new Ferrari that is parked in the street in front of the bank. Obviously, a $250,000 Ferrari is more than enough collateral so the loan officer gives him the $5000. The guy leaves and the loan officer drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground parking garage and parks it. Over the next few days, the big joke among the bank employees is all about the foolish man that put up $250,000 collateral for a measly $5000 loan. But, two weeks later, the guy returns from his trip and repays his loan. Plus $26.92 interest. The loan officer says to the guy, "I want to thank you for your business, but I'm curious. While you were away, I checked and found out you are a multimillionaire. I don't understand why you bothered to borrow $5000 when you have so much money." The guy replies, "Where else in New York can I park my Ferrari for $2.00/day and expect it to be there when I return?"


  • One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"


  • A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops. The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there." The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."


  • A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was just being the Ring Bear!"


  • Are you in the top half of your class? No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible!


  • Excuse me, what time is it? It's 3:15. You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.


  • Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the referee calling fowls!


  • Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn't chicken.


  • Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station.


  • How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.


  • What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane? ME!!!


  • Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!


  • Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!


  • Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!


  • If Mr. and Mrs. Bigger had a baby, who would be the biggest of the three? The baby, because he's a little Bigger!


  • What do you do with a blue whale? Try to cheer him up!


  • Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!


  • Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'


  • One afternoon, a butcher went into a pet shop. The butcher had visited that same pet shop every day for a week straight. It seems that he had fallen in love with one of the seagulls in the shop. Alas, he had no money to spend, but the pet shop owner agreed to give him the bird in exchange for some of the delicious German sausage from the butcher's store. And so, the deal was made. It seems that the butcher took a tern for the wurst.