Puns

  • A good pun is its own reword!!


  • The Energizer Bunny was arrested. He was charged with battery.


  • A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.


  • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.


  • A 'shotgun wedding' is a case of wife or death!


  • I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.


  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes!


  • Sea captains don't like crew cuts.


  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?


  • A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.


  • A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.


  • Without geometry, life is pointless.


  • When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.


  • Reading while sunbathing makes one well-red.


  • When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.


  • What did the beaver say to the tree? Nice gnawing you.


  • What must you know to be an autioneer? Lots.


  • Leaping Spark was one of the brightest boys in his Indian tribe and his progress was watched closely by the chief. When he had completed his schooling at the reservation, the chief decided he should be sent to a university. Leaping Spark didn't let the tribe down. He graduated with honors as an electrical engineer. To show his gratitude to the tribe, he decorated the entrance to the reservation's main lodge with a glow-in-the-dark moose head. He installed lights for the eyes and wove other lights around the antlers. In the evening, the moose head was a beacon seen for miles! Thus, Leaping Spark became the first of his tribe ever to wire a head for a reservation.


  • Two vultures boarded an airplane, each one carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stopped the vultures and firmly stated, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but there is only one CARRION allowed per passenger!"


  • Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One grew tired of the boring lifestyle on the plantation and moved to Hollywood, where he became a famous actor. The other weevil stayed on the plantation in the cotton fields, never amounting to much in his life. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


  • One day two eskimos were sitting in their kayak, waiting for an unsuspecting seal to surface. They became so cold that they decided to start a fire on the floor of the kayak. Unfortunately, the fire burned a hole in the bottom of the craft and it sank. Once again, this proved that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


  • A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He slid up to the bar and boldly announced, "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw!"


  • Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novocaine during his root canal? He wanted to 'transcend dental medication'.


  • A group of chess grandmasters checked into a hotel, anticipating a big tournament that was to begin the next day. As they stood in the lobby, they began to brag about their recent chess victories and accomplishments. Shortly thereafter, the hotel manager came out of his nearby office and asked the chess players to go to their hotel rooms. "But why?" asked the men as they moved out of the lobby. The manager replied, "Because I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"


  • A woman gave birth to identical twin boys, but decided that she would have to give them up for adoption. One boy went to an Egyptian family, and they named him Ahmal. The other twin went to a Mexican family, and they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. She was so grateful to receive this picture, and she told her husband that she would be so delighted if she could see a picture of her other twin boy, Ahmal, as well. Her husband replied, "Honey, they're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


  • A group of friars were behind on the mortgage payments for their monastery, so they decided to open up a floral shop to raise additional funds. The shop became very popular, and began to take away business from another floral shop owner in the area. He asked the friars several times to close down their shop, but they refused to do so. The floral shop owner hired Hugh McTavish, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade the friars to close shop. Hugh beat up the friars, ransacked their shop, and warned them of further violence if they failed to close. Terrified, the friars closed their floral shop, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


  • Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his adult life, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Also, his odd diet caused him to have bad breath. This made Mahatma Gandhi a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


  • You probably have heard about the person who sent ten different puns to his friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


  • A house painter had the habit of thinning all of his paint so as to make it go a bit further, thus lowering his expenses. A local minister asked the painter to re-paint his chapel, to which the painter readily agreed. He thinned all his paint with turpentine and went to work. When the job was almost completed, a torrential rainstorm swept through the area and washed all the thin, useless paint off of the chapel. The painter, realizing that he was in big trouble, fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, God, forgive me. What shall I do?" A mighty voice boomed from the heavens, "Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"


  • Rudolph and his wife, Hilga, were shopping in downtown Moscow one day. It started to snow, and Hilga delightedly said, "Oh Rudolph dear, we are going to have a white Christmas!" Rudolph sternly replied, "It is NOT snowing, it is raining, dear!" Hilga said, "Can't you see the snowflakes? It's obviously snowing, dear!" "No, Hilga dear, it is raining!", replied Rudolph, somewhat annoyed. "I am am sorry to disagree with you, dear, but it is snowing, Rudolph" said Hilga. In exasperation, Rudolph replied, "Listen, Hilga! Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"


  • There was once a couple named Mike and Nancy Tate whose life dream was to have a compass company. They finally saved enough money and started the Tate's Compass Company. Luck was with them, for the first contract they acquired was to manufacture 750,000 compasses for the Boy Scouts. Mike and Nancy worked feverishly day and night to meet their deadline, and finished just before the Boy Scout Jamboree was to begin. On the day of the Scout Wilderness hike, each boy scout was given a Tate's Compass to help them find their way. Unfortunately, it was discovered too late that every single compass was made with the colored point of the needle facing the wrong way, so when one was facing North, the needle pointed to the South. Needless to say, all of the boy scouts got lost and it was the biggest fiasco known in Boy Scout history. The Tate's compass company went out of business, but from this experience came the familiar adage ... "He who has a Tate's is lost."